So I put off doing a conclusion post because I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say. In short I don’t think I really got anything out of doing the project. In fact the only thing that kept me doing it was I’m too stubborn to give up and I know exercising your will power is a good way to make it stronger. I don’t know what I was hoping to get out of the whole thing but I think I was expecting it to be a friendly positive project and I just didn’t really feel part of a community or that I benefitted from taking part. I think this is for two reasons.
1. The way Tumblr works (or my understanding anyway!) means you can’t comment on people’s posts (without reblogging). I didn’t do much of that because I wanted to keep this as a record of my outfits. It also meant that I couldn’t interact with the kind people who regularly liked my posts so although I have a lot of affection for them I don’t feel like I got to know anyone.
2. The focus on POC and LGBT people meant that actually I didn’t feel that this was a place for me. I’m well aware how spoilt and priveleged and ridiculous this sounds and I know I’m not articulating it well but I just felt that I wasn’t the kind of person who was supposed to be taking part. I know it’s unfair and whiney and that I exist in a world where, being straight and white, I don’t often have to feel this way so maybe it’s good for me and I understand why I won’t have many people’s sympathy. However I think what I was expecting was a welcoming community where everyone was accepted and celebrated and instead I felt I wasn’t black or queer or even fat enough. Yeah I know whinge, moan, whine, get over yourself etc.etc. but that was my experience. I think that was probably the frustration that one of the commenters over on the official tumblr was feeling when she ranted about “horrible moderators”. It wasn’t elegant (or even right) but I understand the frustration of coming to a place and looking for acceptance and not receiving it because you aren’t marginalised enough.
However, there were some positives too. I was feeling very uninspried with my wardrobe and I don’t have the money to do anything about it at the moment. I realised though I liked the clothes I have. I like what I wear on a day to day basis and I generally feel quite happy with the way I look and how I present myself.
In terms of acceptance I realised how lucky I am that generally it’s not a battle to like myself and my body. I like my shape. I generally like how I look. I have a hugely strong belief that there are more important things in the world than my appearance but when I do focus on it, it’s not too bad. What I do want is to be more healthy. I’m vegan at the moment for lent and I’ve really enjoyed thinking more about my food and ensuring I use all of the vegetables in my veg box and I feel much better for it. My ankle is now fully recovered and I can start up my walking again and hopefully start running again soon.
I’ve been lucky in that I’ve always resisted the pressure to diet and I believe very strongly in not starving myself or fucking up my metabolism or losing weight only to put it back on and then some. I’ve been roughly the same size for the last 15 years and I think if I had dieted I’d be much bigger by now. That doesn’t change the fact though that I’m too fat to get the birth control I want. I’m not really sure what to do about that. That was the first time that my weight has affected what I could to do and as much as I know that I don’t want to diet I don’t like this scenario at all. I kind of hoped that this project might give me more clarity but I’m still not sure what I should do. I’ll have another doctors appointment in a few weeks so I’ll see what they say. I guess until then though, I’ll focus on cooking amazing vegan food, fininshing my Capital Ring walk and enjoying my clothes and my body.